* Disinterest in work or family life
* Disinterest in social life or alienation from previously close friends and family
* Sleep disruption or much longer periods of sleep
* Significant changes in appetite, such as eating too little or too much
* Paranoid thoughts, such as the thought people are trying to harm you
* Thoughts of grandeur or invincibility
* Feelings of persistent anxiety or panic attacks
* Hearing voices
* Seeing people who are not there
* Thoughts of dying or wish to die
* Exhibiting strong or violent anger
* Having flashbacks to a prior traumatic event
* Increasing dependence on alcohol or drugs
* Inability to pursue a normal life, normal activities or normal relationships
these are all the signs of a nervous breakdown and all the symptoms of one too now for many night i have been thinking to myself why do they have me on these damn medication and taking the god forsaken pills i dont trust pills and i know aint shit wrong with me i just had a nervous breakdown and here is why......right after high school my life seemed like it was going good until i lost my job and lost my apartment i lose all my cloths everything i own and i was left with nothing i was homeless for a few days and i didnt like what the fuck what going on in my life i really didnt now i got doctors telling me something is wrong with me but no one is listening to my story no one hears my side of what the fuck is going on in my life as all yall can see my writings touch so many lives this is the only thing no one can ever take away from em they can call me liar all they want call me names say what ever the fuck they want but i am still going to be tashon jerrel tutt til the day i fucking die which by the way is no fucking time soon...i curse because thats who i am aint nobody in the world change that i been smoking weed since i was 13 i actually tried it when i was 9 and been hooked every since the only drug that i trust its all natural its regualr earth grown herb it wasnt no damn drug that made me flip out it was my situation in lifew i got fed up i mean come on now i witnesses somebody who reminded me of every one i every felt close to in my life i witnessed her death her lifeless body and i mean this lady had so much love in her heart her name was annyre cooke a old woman 89 years old would have been 90 in december i spent 3 days next to this woman i spent 3 days listening to her life story listenin to all the good and the bad in her life she is the one who made me believe in something more than myself i never was close to a stranger like that before she reminded me of my madea how she cared about every child even ones that wasnt hers she wanted the best for everybody and wanted good from everybody i mean i loved this woman i spent 3 days waking up int he morning i went right by her bedside she was a diabetic who had no legs and she couldnt walk and she couldnt see much she had bad eye sight but she knew me when i crossed her path she always called me out .....tj....tj.......you there you there ...tj....and she loved me just seeing the smile on her face was so much to me i mean i use to sit in her room and listen to her tell her life story and she made me feel like she was my mother we called her mama she she was like my mother not saying my mom is not good cause she is but everybody has there secret and the skeletons in their closet and when people secrets get close to be slipped out they erupt in ways they dont even know i mean i love my mom dont get me wrong i just dont like some of the things she does now my mother is grown and i cant make her do anything i want like sometimes the way she speaks is so harsh it makes me feel like a piece of shit she doesnt know that but it does and if i tried to tell her that she would just say im full of shit cause trust me i have heard it from her all my life i mean my mom is a great person but when it comes to raising a man she couldnt do it she just couldnt and it took the street and my father to mold me and i love the way i am today but back to mama.....i spent 3 days with her and 4 3 days i grew more and more in love with this woman she had a heart of gold and a mind of peace she just wanted to watch her christian television channel and eat her crackers drink her tea and be peaceful she never yelled at anybody she doesnt curse she was a good woman and i had to witness her death i was in the house when i heard the screams i knew what was wrong i knew she wasnt here anymore i took it so hard i could have never believed it i mean after her death i feel down into a spiral of depression and remorse for her i never lost somebody i mean sure i dont talk to alot of people but her death made it clear to me that i was not ment to go thru the world unloved and when she died lord knows i couldnt deal with it i lost my mind i roamed the streets iw ent crazy for a little bit people think i cant replay the whole situation out in my head and replay every single detail of what happened that night but i can cause my vision was on point my life was on point i was just snapping back to reality i couldnt believe she was gone i was calling out i want my mama but i realize i wasnt calling for my mom i was calling for her i was walkin up the street so filled with anger at god for taking such a beautiful woman i didnt know what to do with myself she made me feel like no matter how fucked up iw as i could always smile i mean this woman had false teeth bad eye sight no legs stuck ina bed for so long of her life and she was happy nothing bothered her she is the one i thank for gettin my mind back to where it needed to be going back to school was because of her and coming back to my moms house.....her idea when i tell you guys this woman showed me how much life can mean and how precious things are and how grateful we should be i could help but be touched i mean i have spent so much of my life hatign people for what they have done to me but that night i called my mother out on some of her bullshit and she looked at me like oh you dont have a clue on what your talkin about but im nto dumb i know my mother better then her wife knows her i grew up with this lady i know my mother cause i get myw ays from her my attitude is from my mom i mean when i was a kid i use to get the shit kicked out of me wasnt no ordinary beating this was i was scared to go home as a child i was being beat so bad i use to sit on the bus on the ride home dreading going home and it seemed like nothing i could do or nothing i could say would make the beatings stop i use to get the shit kicked out of me people believe it or not and leave it up to my mother all she is going to say si well leave it up to yall i didnt do shit as amother i was just some bitch and dis and dat and dat and dis cause she doesnt want to accept the fact the she abused us a kid and some of the things she did was not healthy then she wonders why i turned out they way i did she doesnt want it to be on her head and i can completely understand i mean i wouldnt want the mental health of my only son to be so fucked up due to continuous beatings and what at the time seemed like torture i mean i can go on for days how i was beat but im not going to cause i think you guys get the picture i was hard like i remember one time i got beat right and she was tearing my ass up and all i rememebr was her tellin me to get out the house and i ran out the side door in my boxers some socks and a tshirt and i ran down that street and made a right turn down the second street to yourr ight and landed at my homegirls house and asked to use there fone that night i spent it at my aunts house aunt val they came to my rescue but i knew it wouldnt last cause all she was going to do is come and get me the next day but i stayed there as long as i could see its shit like that that i remember that if i tried to bring it up every one has amnesia and dont remember shit and i get looked at like im crazy cause i remember all the bad shit see we have this thing in my family where shit goes down and we dont talk about well now im tired of keeping my damn mouth shut im 20 years old and i been holding this shit back so long its eattin away at me like i said earlier no matter what they do they can never take away my writings.i mean i wish there was someway i can tell my mom i remember every single beating she had every given me and every curse word she has said to me and every mean thing she has every said to me from telling me she wish she never had me to she dont know why im here to i cant live with her to she hates me all type of shit but as a man A FUCKING MAN i swallowed my pride and took it and thats all i can do is take it i mean i cant fight my mother i cant put my hands on my mother i mean i can but i wont see what people fail to realize is you have choices and sometimes the choices you make effects others in your life like i use to think nobody loved me when i was a kid so i loved everybody i came in to contact with my mom is a lesbian which i found out long before she told me sicne i was nosey i found out alot of shit i wasnt suppose to know but i love woman because of my mom now leave it up to her she will just say im full of shit ima fucking liar im this im that and it heard it all before so i am use to it i expect it rather for my mom to say good things is rare she doesnt know i really do care about her well being and shit its just when she gets evil its hard for me to see past the evil shit sicne thats all i remember from my child hood i dont every remember my om taking us to the zoo or out to a park to just play or just take us out to be a family togethr because her thing is money money money yuo dont need money to be happy which i way i chose to live my life carefree but i use to get in trouble for being so no chalant its not that its just that i have enough stress in my life i dont worry about money that much i know its important but if your doing what you have to do then you will be alright right?....well not always but you make your life whatever it is you can make it easy or you can make it hard i choose to make my life carefree and stress free so as far as is ee it my life is easy its s depression people do you really think im get a job tomorrow hell no do you think i have a better chance if my black ass would have went to school the first year you damn right....life kicked my ass and made me realize i needed to get my shit straight no some people say its god this is what i say i always believed ina higher being i use to study Buddhism which i really like that religion cause it teachs you to be happy with just yourself and i love there teachings i just decided to give my higher being the name of my god im not christian or baptisit none of that i just believe in my god and my god is making sure i dont do nothing stupid to fuck up m life say what you want i always had that i dont give a fuck attitude like my mom would say about shit so what make you think ima care what anybody says about my beliefs? you damn right i wont and the way i act and the shit i do do i feel like some things were wrong yes was i the perfect child by far hell no i mean i was kid and should have been understood and treated as one i never thought i would have to go thru what i went thru i mean it was so bad i thought i wouldnt make it past 16 so for me to be even 20 is a good thing for me you know i mean i dont like to worry so i never do i dont like stress so i dont bring it upon myself but for one night i mean one night in my life i had everybodies attention and their first thought of me is oooo shit he is crazy dammit im not crazy just misunderstood lol its funny cause i laugh alot and smile alot and am i wrong......should i be down trotted and have my head hung low just cause sumbody called me a mean name or tried to hurt myf eelins hell no if i dont let my own mothers word get to me what makes you think anybody else harsh statments is going to move me i learned from a beautiful woman to take like wiht a grain of salt and live like there is no tomorrow do what you want and be happy this woman annrye was a beautiful soul and i love her with all my heart and it pains me to know she will not be around to see me graduate but i have my mother and after all the years os bullshit i have forgiven her i just wont ever forget namean its easy to forgive its another thing to forget which i will never do i smoked made weed and they say weed is suppose to make you stupid but im one of the smartest mufuccas i know now i forget ill admit that but who doesnt so i mean did i stop smoking yes am i glad i mean i wasn addicted so its not like its killin me cause im not smoking so like i said you make choices in your life and you do thing by impulse or by your heart and brain i live by my heart and i go with my feelings ima an emotional mufucca sorry i dont regret being emotional im very passionate ima caring im lovin i am all these things in one person and i am not confused and i dont need no damn doctor trying to shrink me cause i know what the fuck my problem is i just need somebody to talk to so the next time i go see doctor martin and we get the talkin ima go in there alone cause for some stranger reason i cant say these things in front of my mom cause to her im spreadin lies but i know its only because how my mother was raised is they reason she treats me the way she does its that slave mentality there is a book about it i never read it but i know theres a book i saw it in antwon fisher from what he said lol its a good book but i believe it even though i never read the book cause it makes sense to me the way you were rasied will affect how you raise your kids i mean soemthing just make sense ima simple dude i dont look to deep into things really i mean i never have so why start now lol well look this is gettin to be verylong so ima cut it short by saying this is why i am the way i am the loving the cursing the scream the caring the tears the joy the smiles and laughs this is why and if you dont like it oh fucking well what you going to do try to change me?.....lol GOOD LUCK
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